Jan. 4th, 2013

Bleh

Jan. 4th, 2013 03:42 pm
yukie1013: (lateranus)
Prior post ditched on account of because friggin' stupid and because too many issues :b

I am -such- a dumbass. XD

I'm gonna like, stick to my own business from now on. Like the fount of WTF that is Ishandarr's garden, Eveynna's !Newf accent and songs about crabs, Bejaria's inability to cook much of anything that isn't everything-in-the-pot-whee soup or fish-onna-stick (in her defense, Wardens are probably not Cordon Bleu material anyway, but Bejaria looks at Joy of Cooking and flees), Aerionn's multi-verse ballads about how whatever he's fighting at the time is a magnum douchebag, Bernie hinting that she sunk Gallywix in his swimming pool (gotta watch out for them pool ponies, ya never can tell), and so on.

Because, seriously, I am fucking fail at canon, a lot of it triggers the everlasting piss out of me now and I'm a useless dumbass about it as a result. It's really hard to see a character you liked and identified with fall into the 'reactive, irrational, dangerous and in need of control' (according to the loud branches of fandom's interpretation of things) category I got slotted into by relatives who proceeded to make me the twitchy, nervous, paranoid, feral cornered thing I am now. (Headdesk forever.) Reminders of the 'you are this, so it is okay for me to terrify, threaten, insult, demean, emotionally-abuse, manipulate and hurt in the name of saving you from yourself' song and dance that was my reality just...

...Turns me into a useless fucking lump.

And if I think someone's upset with me, my reaction is BLIND PANIC. It's like, 'Fuck, fuck, FUCK, now they know how I really am, they know how stupid I actually am and that everything I presented myself as is fake, they're going to hate me, RUN FOR THE HILLS RUN FOR YOUR LIFE' and so on. So I either bail out or start self deprecating to head things off at the pass, and the latter doesn't ever work because I'm so godawfully nasty about myself that it makes people go 'what the fuck O_O'

So yeah, apologies for that, I'm staying with mental canons.

And really grateful that I have a counselor I can see regularly, because the past needs to stop biting my rear like now.

Sorry.

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